Claustrophobia
by jade
Summary: Usagi and Mamoru are locked in a...yeah, you guessed it closet! My parody of closet fics! ONE-SHOT.


Um, now I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression here. Some closet fics are cute and some are really funny. There are also ones where people are trying too 

Hard and ones that aren't really possible. So ta-da! I've created this wonderful parody of said stories not because I hate them but because there's just so many! This is obviously supposed to be in the first season but magically other characters show up and yeah…I took complete artistic license.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon.

Warnings: Closets, Minako being a blonde, and what not.

Claustrophobia

            "Minako, what are you doing?" Rei asked suspiciously at the sight of the blonde-haired teenager. Of course, Minako was lying on _her_ bed, reading _her_ comics, and eating _her candy that she had specifically hidden to keep away from Minako and Usagi. Rei wanted to take out her broom and chase Minako into the depths of hell for daring to take so much liberty to Rei's stuff but knew that she could not because she didn't think personally it would do much good. _

            "Reading." Minako flipped a page, not looking at the violet-eyed priestess.

            "Aren't you supposed to be keeping Usagi busy while we get everything ready for the surprise party?" Rei asked her. 

            "Yeah." Minako answered calmly. 

            "Then why are you reading manga?" Rei inquired, starting to feel her fury kick up.

            "Cause Usagi's in that closet." Minako gestured with her hand, still not removing her eyes from the pages of the comic book.

            "What do you mean she's 'in the closet'?" Rei started to feel a little tired of Minako being slightly unresponsive.

            "I mean she's in the closet." Minako explained. "Go look for yourself." With that Rei went over to her closet, grabbing the doorknob only to find it locked.

            "Yo, Minako, give me the key." Rei turned back to the absent-minded blonde.

            "Key?" Minako turned yet another page.

            "The key to the closet." Rei's voice was rather dead pan.

            "Oh." Minako nodded her head slightly. "I don't have it."

            "Usagi is locked in a closet, and _you_ don't have the key?" Rei took a deep breath, ready to let fly with insults and other things that came out in her utter rage. Minako intervened though.

            "No, Makoto has it." Minako stated simply. 

            "Makoto? Why does she have it?" Rei questioned, calming down a bit.

            "Well see, I needed someone to help me with Mamoru's body so I got her 'cause she's really strong. Then I gave her the key after I locked it cause I thought I might lose it." Minako sighed slightly. "This is getting so thrilling."

            "Um, Minako? Did you just say 'Mamoru's body?' Is Mamoru in there too?" Rei tried to open the door once more. 

            "Yeah." Minako shrugged a little. 

            "MINAKO!!!" Rei yelled out the name in frustration, she stomped over, taking the manga from Minako's hands, before proceeding to hit Minako over the head with it.

            "Ouch! That hurt!" Minako rubbed her head. "What's the big deal Rei? Besides, it's getting really good! You see there's this lady named-" Rei cut her off.

            "I've READ the comic before Minako. Now, explain to me why you put Usagi and Mamoru in MY closet." Rei put her hands on her hips, not willing to budge in the situation even if Minako was going to look a bit pouty.

            "See I went over to Usagi's house just like we agreed right?" Minako began.

*                                                                  *                                                          *

            "Hello Usagi! What'cha doing?" Minako bounced into Usagi's home. 

            "Nothing much. Hey do you want to go out to the arcade with me?" Usagi asked Minako. Now, most people on their birthdays would have been rather upset that no one seemed to realize it. Usagi though, was not quite as dumb as she looked. 

            Things tend to stick out in people's minds. Especially if it has anything to do with birthdays. Every year, the Inner Senshi threw a surprise party at the Hiwaka Jinja. Every year they thought they had sufficiently fooled Usagi. Every year Usagi spent the day before her birthday practicing surprised faces in the mirror.

            "Okay!" Minako agreed happily and the two blondes set out for the Crown Arcade where their friend Motoki worked behind the counter. 

            "Hey Usagi, Happy Birthday!" Motoki called out in greeting. Minako froze because she knew that naturally Usagi would ask why Minako didn't remember her birthday and Minako repeated to herself that she couldn't mention the party.

            "Minako, why didn't you remember my birthday?" Usagi asked Minako as if right on cue. 

            "I did! We're throwing a party and everything!" Minako instantly clapped a hand over her own mouth. Now she was in for it. Minako tried to think hard of some way to fix the situation. Then she remembered that when people get hit over the head hard enough, they don't remember things. Minako proceeded to bash Usagi upside the head with a waiter's tray. 

            "Um, Minako?" Motoki asked in a voice that suggested he was five seconds from calling the police or just simply running away. 

*                                                                    *                                                           *

            "Okay, that was the single dumbest thing I've ever heard." Rei interrupted the story. "Now what about Mamoru? Had to take him out too?" 

            "I'm getting to that!" Minako exclaimed indignantly. 

*                                                                    *                                                           *

            Minako sighed wearily as she tried to carry Usagi's body to Rei's house. This was not going well. Minako was pretty physically strong but she forgot that Usagi and her were about the same weight. Thus she was having an extremely difficult time carrying the girl.

            "Is that Odango Atama?" Mamoru smirked. "What did she do? Pass out from too much ice-cream?" Minako sighed. She was sick of carrying Usagi but Mamoru had seen her. Well, granted Motoki had seen her too but Minako had taken care of that. She hoped Motoki's head wouldn't hurt too much when he woke up. Naturally though, she didn't have anything in which to take out Mamoru with. Plus she had to listen to him and his lame insults to Usagi because some guys were immature when it came to the girls they were madly in love with. Minako put Usagi down.

            "Oh just shut up!" Minako took a rock off the ground that was of considerable size and hit Mamoru over the head twice. (Once to knock him unconscious and two to hopefully knock some sense into him for when he got up.) Now Minako was faced with a new problem.

            There was no way she could carry Mamoru _and_ Usagi to Rei's place. This was way too much work. Until she saw Makoto coming down the sidewalk. 

            "Mako-chan! Help me carry these bodies!" Minako called out.

            "Bodies?" Makoto looked quite perplexed. Then she saw the unconscious Mamoru and Usagi. "I don't think I want to know what you're doing."

            "Hey, listen, we just have to get them to Rei's so I can figure out what to do." Minako explained to the brunette. 

            "Uh, do you really want Rei to know about this?" Makoto arched an eyebrow. 

            "You're right…she probably wouldn't want to know about it until later. You know, when she's not stressed." Minako snapped her fingers with her realization.

            "What are you going to do with them?" Makoto gestured towards the two bodies. "Hide them in the closet?" 

            Now, Makoto was a smart young lady. She was a master chef, good at karate, and tried to be good at her studies even though that proved to be difficult. Poor unsuspecting Makoto didn't realize that she had probably said the worst thing that could have popped out of her mouth. She did figure it out when Minako's blue eyes began to gleam in a light that told her she would regret running into her blonde friend that day.

            "That's a great idea Makoto!" Minako exclaimed happily. 

*                                                                     *                                                                *

            "There's this thing called common sense Minako. It's amazing how much you lack in it." Rei snapped.

            "Rei…" Minako's voice rose in a protestant whine.

            "We're getting that key from Makoto and then I'm letting them out." Rei told her as if she were a mother scolding a very small child.

            "Okay." Minako hung her head dejectedly. They both went into the kitchen to find Makoto mixing something in a bowl. There were already cookies and things on the counter cooling. 

            "Hey guys, want to sample the cookies?" Makoto offered them as she tried to wipe her hands off in her apron.

            "Makoto, do you still have the key?" Rei asked, cutting straight to the chase. You see, Rei knew something that none of the other Senshi knew. If they did, they would have been just as eager to get that door unlocked as Rei. But our fiery priestess did not divulge her secret.

            "Key?" Makoto raised her eyebrows.

            "The key to my closet?" Rei wished that everyone would get a clue today.

            "Oh. No, I don't have it." Makoto began stirring again. Several moments of silence ensued.

            "Why not?" Rei finally asked. 

            "'Cause I gave it to Ami." Makoto shrugged. Rei hated the way that everyone seemed to be completely nonchalant about the whole matter.

            "Okay fine." Rei said slowly, trying hard not to take out both Makoto and Minako with the nearest frying pan. "Where's Ami?"

            "She went to the library." Makoto answered proudly. Rei sighed as she realized that she'd have to walk to the library. Minako was going to pay.

*                                                          *                                                          *

            Ami came out of the library balancing a stack of books that was a couple feet taller than her. The library had gotten a new shipment of books and since Ami hated reading anything she had already read, she simply checked out the whole new shipment. 

            However, her precariously balanced stack of books was soon raining down on her as someone ran straight into her.

            "Good one Minako." Rei's voice told the blonde dryly.

            "Minako! Rei!" Ami got up and began picking up all her books. "You have to be a little more careful." 

            "Ami, do you still have that key Makoto gave you?" Rei asked hopefully, helping Ami with her books. Minako was still on the ground trying to recover. A particularly large book on genetics had landed on her head.

            "Key?" Ami cocked her head to one side trying to remember in detail all the events of the day.

            "Yeah, the key to my closet?" Rei wanted to smack the next person that gave her that blank look when she asked for the key.

            "Yes. Don't say yeah." Ami corrected immediately. "It doesn't speak well of your education. No, I do not have the key to your closet."

            "You don't?" Rei looked horrified.

            "I had to carry my books so I gave the key for Haruka to hold onto. I thought this was safe since she had a key ring and has yet to lose a key to my knowledge." Ami pronounced. 

            "Haruka? I guess she would be at her house with Michiru right?" Minako finally bounced up from the ground looking as though she hadn't been knocked almost unconscious by a book.

            "Come on Minako, we've got to hurry." Rei grabbed Minako and they waved good-bye to Ami who was forced to pick up all her books by herself. 

*                                              *                                                          *

            Rei and Minako approached the big house where Michiru, Haruka, Hotaru, and Setsuna dwelled. They knocked on their door. 

            First they heard running, then someone falling down the stairs, and finally crashing at the bottom. A few moments later, a slightly disheveled Hotaru opened the door a crack. Her wide eyes and pale face scared them at first.

            "Hello…" Hotaru said in a creepy whisper.

            "Why are you talking like that?" Rei asked her. Hotaru sighed loudly.

            "I decided that I was going to become the scariest senshi ever." Hotaru's voice resumed its natural tone. "So far I don't think I've scared one person." 

            "Anyways, can we see Haruka?" Minako broke in. 

            "Yeah." Hotaru opened the door further and everyone followed her to the living room. "HARUKA-PAPA! MICHIRU-MAMA! People are here!" 

            "Just a second!" Haruka's voice called from somewhere upstairs. There was an odd thump, then a whole bunch of giggles, some rustling noises, and finally Haruka, her hair really messed up came down the stairs, closely followed by Michiru who looked like she was going to a photo-shoot, her clothes, hair, and make-up were perfect. "Hey, what are you two doing here?"

            "Minako locked Usagi and Mamoru in my closet and apparently you have the key to my closet." Rei held out her hand. Haruka gave her a blank look and opened her mouth but Rei broke in before she could say anything. "You got the key from Ami." 

            "Oh." Haruka nodded her head in understanding. "I don't have that key anymore." Michiru was smothering a giggle into her hand and Haruka coughed a little, trying to cover up a blush. 

            "Where did you put it?" Rei asked. 

            "Yeah…I gave it to Setsuna. I figured that she has all those keys she could hold onto it for me." Haruka slid her arms around Michiru's neck. "So just ask her for it."

            "Is she here?" Minako was looking around the place, popping up every once and awhile in her search for Setsuna. 

            "No, she's at the Gates." Hotaru volunteered. "Just call her cell phone." 

            "She has a cell phone?" Minako blinked rapidly. 

            In fact, Setsuna _did _own a cell phone and it had become a great source of amusement for her because anytime she could get anyone by themselves at any gathering, she would proceed to tell them all about the time she went to go get the cell phone. The story's climax came when Setsuna suddenly became too weak with laughter to speak. 

            "And then…then…" Setsuna wheezed. "He said 'Would you like the three thousand free minutes plan?' Free…minutes…me…" Of course, no one really ever thought the punch line was as funny as Setsuna found it. Thus Setsuna would notice you weren't laughing and immediately become put-off and sniffly. "I knew you wouldn't think it was funny." 

            Then the person she was telling it to would be frightened by the fact that _Setsuna was being sniffly and immediately try to hush her with, "No, I thought it was really funny." _

            Who found the story almost as hilarious as Setsuna did was Hotaru and therefore Hotaru was one of the few people who actually knew the cell phone number. Rei dialed the numbers that Hotaru told her. It took three rings and it picked up. Unfortunately, it was the answering machine. 

            The answering machine was another mystery. For those who did know the cell phone number, they often wondered how Setsuna's answering machine could pick up the calls. 

            "Hello, this is Meioh Setsuna and for some reason I'm not here and obviously neglecting my duties. However, it's probably because the world is about to end or a time paradox that could make the universe implode is about to occur. Please leave a message after the beep." The answering machine told Rei calmly. Rei held the phone out in front of her. She could take it no longer.

            "MEIOH SETSUNA YOU BETTER CALL ME BACK RIGHT THIS SECOND OR I SWEAR _I'M GOING TO END THE WORLD MYSELF! USAGI IS LOCKED IN A CLOSET WITH MAMORU!" Rei screamed into the phone. Everyone in the room with her had their ears plugged. "NOW GIVE ME THE KEY OR I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE ONE HELL OF A TIME PARADOX BECAUSE YOU WON'T EXIST TO ANSWER MY CALL AND YOU ARE GOING TO! YOU HEAR ME?_

            Rei stopped screaming because at that moment Setsuna appeared out of nowhere with an eyebrow twitching irritably. 

            "Normally I would just tell you to be calmer but this time I'm telling you that I can cause 'accidents.'" Setsuna began to explain. "Messing with the time stream is against the rules, but technically, it only really matters if it effects in an important event." Setsuna leaned forward to whisper conspiratorially. "You don't need your toes for important events to pass." 

            "Understood." Rei agreed. "Anyways, I need that key."

            "I couldn't make out half your screaming other then the threats. Who's trapped in a closet?" Setsuna inquired, back to her completely calm and cool self.

            "Mamoru and Usagi." Rei answered. 

            "Uh oh." Setsuna didn't look so calm.

            "I'm sorry, Setsuna-mama, did you just say 'uh oh'?" Hotaru raised her eyebrows. 

            "We have to get over there immediately!" Setsuna ordered. All the senshi took off running towards the Hiwaka Jinja. 

            Five minutes later they ran back so they could all pile into Haruka's convertible which would get there faster and be more convenient. 

*                                              *                                              *

            "What is it?" Makoto and Ami looked up to see the other senshi run past. They both shrugged and ran after them. Rei ran to open the closet door. 

            The key broke in half because Rei was so rushed. 

            "Dammit!" Rei swore. The swearing woke up the occupants of the closet. 

            There was a bloodcurdling shriek and then an odd clawing noise before another much deeper shriek and suddenly blood was starting to seep out from the small crack between the floor and the door. 

            "What the…" All the senshi except for Rei and Setsuna began together. Rei sighed and looked at Setsuna. 

            "Normally this wouldn't have been such a problem but…" Setsuna took her time pausing so she could make herself look as neat and prim as possible. "Usagi is a violent claustrophobic." 

            "Oh." All the senshi chorused. 

            "I guess that's the end of Mamoru, isn't it?" Minako scratched the back of her head. 

            "I thought he was going to be a shitty king anyways." Haruka volunteered. Everyone looked at her. "What? He throws _roses_! How is he supposed to inspire the people to follow him when he doesn't have a real power?" 

            "You realize this is going to cause a major time paradox." Setsuna rubbed her temples. "I'll have to work overtime all this week. Of course, the best that could possibly happen is that Usagi is the lone queen and that…thing never exists."

            "You mean Chibi-usa?" Hotaru blinked in surprise. 

            "Episode time sponge." Rei grumbled. "Minako, go get a mop and a bucket."

            "Why?" Minako looked confused.

            "'Cause you're cleaning up the king. Who wants to play a round of Monopoly?" Rei told her before turning to the others. 

            "Wait! What about Usagi?" Minako asked. 

            "If we're lucky, she'll kill herself." Setsuna murmured quietly.

            "Bitter, Setsuna-mama?" Hotaru asked. 

            "Oh well, this could be worse. At least no bad guys made any appearances." Rei speculated. "I don't know why everyone thinks they're so funny, when Jadeite was working here at the shrine; he made the most god-awful jokes." 

*                                              *                                              *

            Somewhere near Point D…

            "Achoo!" Jadeite sneezed. He rubbed his nose. "I think I'm catching a cold." 

            "Nah? Really? In this weather?" Zoicite snapped sarcastically. A snowball hit the androgynous member of the Shittenou in the head. 

            "Shut _up." Nephrite told Zoicite. _

            "Snow cones anyone?" Kunzite offered before the other three jumped on him and started trying to beat the crap out of him. 

*                                              *                                              *

            Okay, I'm done now. I hope you guys enjoyed this or at least chuckled a couple of times. Please review!


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